I have a strong loud memory inside me. It is painful and I am not ready to admit my mistakes in the Saga. If I do it allows the reader to judge, wrongly, that I am, or may be to blame. In many ways I am to blame. I am to blame because I trusted someone who let me down so badly that it changed my life.
Is it wrong to trust someone when you depend on them?
Is it naive to trust people with whom you have good communications, even friendship, sometimes over many years?
Is it wrong to say to yourself, I will never trust anyone again?
Is ‘forgiveness’ the way out of all this hurt? I am not really sure what forgiveness is and whether I have the authority to endow it. Maybe forgiveness should come from some higher authority, like religion. Who can tell me?
Is it right to forget anger and bad feelings in the hopes that one can live a happy life in future?
Is it destructive or wrong to carry the hurt and blame around with us every day?
So why tell the tale?
My memory is fresh. Maybe it will change in time. Maybe I will forget much of the detail.
Sometimes it is cathartic to recall events that fade over time but remain in the memory. Tell the story.
Is Time the answer to any of these questions?
Will anyone believe me? Does it matter if they don’t?
Do I need to record the story to secure the chronology. Will I need it for evidence at a future date?
Anger and revenge
Is it worth the time and energy it saps?
If we are hurt is it natural to want to return pain so the offender experiences something of the pain I feel, or even more pain, to deter it all from happening again? Will returning the pain solve anything or possibly make things worse?
Is it virtuous to accept the damage and move on?
Why am I blogging my feelings, my hurt and my anger?
I don’t know really but I hope to get on with my life for now and get strong in case the story is unfinished. If so I need to have a clear mind to react like the strong person I think I am.
I will move on, a day at a time for now.